Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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