Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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