I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
