I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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