smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
