Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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