Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
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You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
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There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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