I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
