end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
