And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
