Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
