Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
