nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
