peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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