so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
