Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize