Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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