I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
