You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
