im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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