i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
