it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
