There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
