i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
