The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
