i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
