dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
