I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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