I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
