not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
