i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
