And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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