Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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