then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
