I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
