I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
