Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
