Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
