I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
