just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
