i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Who died my cat blue again?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
