I accidentally burped into my bong.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
