I'm so fucking centered right now
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
