If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
