I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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