I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
