dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
