well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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