Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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