The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
