i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
