after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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