Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
