apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
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What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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