I will die if light touches me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
