I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
