i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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